What do I Do?
I’ve been married a little more than 18 years. When I first met my wife, I was totally enamored with her. She was, actually still is, smart, capable, and attractive. We share many interests: bicycling, camping, playing scrabble, skiing, hiking, boating…………… We don’t argue much and I can count the times we yelled at each other over the years on my fingers. We don’t fight about money because we both spend responsibly. I cook and vacuum, she cleans the gutters and mows the lawn. I think my son has one of the best mothers anyone ever had. She has taught me how to be a loving and patient father. My son has problems with social skills and she tirelessly works with him, researches techniques, and supports him. Our house has an eclectic collection of contemporary furnishings that few people would bring together and is a style that works for both of us. Our vacations are unique, remote, and adventuresome. We love to fish and have both skydived and bungee jumped out of a hot air balloon. My wife manages the household budget and I don’t have to concern myself with the day-to-day operations. She volunteered to take this on when we decided drop down from a two-income family so my son would have someone to see him off to school and be there when he gets home.
I want a divorce.
My wife and I do not show each other any affection. Over the last 5 or 6 years, our well oiled machine has been loveless. We don’t touch, we don’t spend time by ourselves talking, we don’t have sex. In 2004, we had sex 4 times. So far in 2005, 5 times. When we do, it is mechanical, short and uninspired. Only one of those 9 times has been initiated by her.
How can a couple that shares so much in common and doesn’t argue about parenting, money, day to day logistics, etc. let their relationship deteriorate to this point? I don’t know.
I am a very analytical person. I tried to change things to see what would make a difference. I tried flowers, coffee in bed in the morning, reaching out with a kiss. I tried preparing gourmet meals, I tried going on a cooking strike. I tried all I could think of and now I no longer think that this can be saved. I no longer think I want to save this. When certain annual milestones happen like vacation, birthdays, or holidays, I think back to the same events over the past 5 years and realize that nothing is changing. I want to move on. I need to move on. I can’t bring myself to move on because I feel like I would be robbing my son of a family. Remember, my wife and co-exist with out fighting. While my son may not see an abundance of affection, he does not see arguing.
I worry about my 10-year-old son reacting to a divorce by striking out, falling into the substance abuse trap, and being heart broken. I haven’t cheated on my wife but I am lonely and would if the opportunity presented itself. I haven’t gone looking for it.
I’m bitter and I don’t think this marriage can be salvaged. I harbor much resentment for my wife. I want out. I don’t want to destroy my son’s family. What do I do?
I want a divorce.
My wife and I do not show each other any affection. Over the last 5 or 6 years, our well oiled machine has been loveless. We don’t touch, we don’t spend time by ourselves talking, we don’t have sex. In 2004, we had sex 4 times. So far in 2005, 5 times. When we do, it is mechanical, short and uninspired. Only one of those 9 times has been initiated by her.
How can a couple that shares so much in common and doesn’t argue about parenting, money, day to day logistics, etc. let their relationship deteriorate to this point? I don’t know.
I am a very analytical person. I tried to change things to see what would make a difference. I tried flowers, coffee in bed in the morning, reaching out with a kiss. I tried preparing gourmet meals, I tried going on a cooking strike. I tried all I could think of and now I no longer think that this can be saved. I no longer think I want to save this. When certain annual milestones happen like vacation, birthdays, or holidays, I think back to the same events over the past 5 years and realize that nothing is changing. I want to move on. I need to move on. I can’t bring myself to move on because I feel like I would be robbing my son of a family. Remember, my wife and co-exist with out fighting. While my son may not see an abundance of affection, he does not see arguing.
I worry about my 10-year-old son reacting to a divorce by striking out, falling into the substance abuse trap, and being heart broken. I haven’t cheated on my wife but I am lonely and would if the opportunity presented itself. I haven’t gone looking for it.
I’m bitter and I don’t think this marriage can be salvaged. I harbor much resentment for my wife. I want out. I don’t want to destroy my son’s family. What do I do?
posted by Mind_of_Me at 7:26 PM
14 Comments:
This is a sad story and one that will be familiar to many who read it.
Having gone through divorce and seen the effect it has on kids I would urge you to investigate every possible remedy. I don't think anyone should be forced to stay in a loveless marriage.
What do I think? I think you should have this exact conversation with her. Take her out to dinner and lay it on the line. Say what you've said here. Things have to change and she has to want them to change too. Maybe she thinks you are satisfied with how things are...probably not, but maybe. Perhaps she is unhappy too and just not able to bring it up to you. Investigate all the alternatives...counseling, etc. This is too big of a decision to make in haste.
Maybe its too far gone for that. There is no sugarcoating the fact that it will be difficult for your son. She sounds like a good woman. Hopefully you could arrange things to maximize contact with both parents.
I wish you the best my friend.
Sounds like a familiar story. No fights & no arguments = no passion.
Been fighting this same uphill battle for my kids' sake for years now. I stlil have to believe it's the right decision.
I have strayed though, so in that respect we are different.
Anyway, good luck. I hope you find a way through it. OPening the can of worms is definitely the first step though, I'm afraid
I am sorry to hear this. Hang in there. Thank you for stopping by my Blog.
For what it's worth - I used to teach middle school and one of my students said to me, "I understood the divorce. I just never understood the marriage." Kids are a lot more intuitive than they get credit for, despite their struggles or disfunction.
Whatever you decide to do, I know that you'll make sure your son is loved, supported, and informed during the process. Either way, he'll be okay - he's got his own HP watching over him.
Divorce is different on each child. My children seem to be healthy and not troubled aside from normal stuff that would affect them in a 2-parent household.
I think you should talk to her...honestly and openly. Tell her what you're thinking.
And another thing...actually, the first thing that popped into my head...has she had a physical to see if there's a medical reason that she has no sex drive? It would be a shame to break up a family if there was a way to "cure" the ailment.
Take care and I'll be sending good thoughts your way.
Hi there - thanks for stopping by my place. I have taken the time to read all of your postings thus far, taken a deep breath, and decided to plunge on in here since you've asked for input.
After reading this posting here and not reading others I was struck overwhelmingly with one thought.... You speak very eloquently here about your thoughts and feelings. You state, "I am a very analytical person. I tried to change things to see what would make a difference." Then you list out several things including flowers, coffee in bed, kisses, cooking, not-cooking... etc. The one thing I find missing from this list is TALKING!!!
Have you sat down with your wife and said all of this to her? I always say there are three sides to every story that involves two people. The sides are ... your side, my side... and the truth.
I admire your efforts and applaud your deep introspection into all of this and if you decide in the end to leave I would support your choice as well - as a fellow member in recovery.
In regard to your son - children are amazingly resilient and whether or not you have shared your thoughts/feelings with him he is most likely aware of what is going on in the house - at least in terms of how it affects him and what he is capable of understanding. It sounds like you and your wife have done a wonderful job of parenting him and based on this I think it is safe to believe he has some strong skills and with the right amount of information he would be able to cope with whatever changes might occur to your marriage.
In regard to your comment about an affair... I will try to be brief. I am just now two years out from my partner having an affair and I think that someone who chooses to have an affair behaves like a chicken and shows the utmost example of disrespect for themselves, for their vows, and for their partner, and in your case think of your son. An affair is like a suicidal gesture to a relationship, in my opinion. Also, being the one who was "cheated on" I can tell you that it really slowed down my recovery process in terms of healing from the relationship ending because not only did I have my normal feelings of loss to go through but I had to add to those my feelings of hurt and anger regarding my partners choices to have an affair. In regard to your son... having an affair would add fuel to the oppportunity for him to have to "choose sides" and no child deserves to be put in that situation.
Of course... all of this is in my opinion and I ask that you take what you like and leave the rest. I do wish you the best and I will return to read more. Take care and be gentle!
It's hard to give advice without the full story - but my first question is whether or not you've talked to her about your feelings regarding the lack of passion? Have you mentioned to her how far you've gone in your heart? Do you think she would be willing to try counseling with you? Obviously, there is no cut and dried answer for you.
But... no one deserves to live in a marriage without love and passion.
We haven't met, I'm here by way of Brians blog, visit mine anytime
I am going to be very frank here
children who have two parents who stayed together thru the ups n downs, the platues- who honored their committment to the family are so much better off in so many ways than the children of divorced parents.
"I tried to change things to see what would make a difference."
as you change your self, i hope you'll be more interesting and exciting to your self-
that sort of thing tends to emanate
kids are better off with divorce in the cases of abuse, physical, emotional, drug, etc....
not because the parents couldn't find a way to re-ignite the fires
there are counselors, sex therapists, books (Dr. Phil has some i hear) clergy men and women...find objective people who have experience and are qualified and fight for your sons sake and yours...
I hope that you will be honest and adventurous as you process this with your wife.
the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence- really it isn't even grass half the time. and when it actually is grass over there- do u honestly think it will grow if it's not watered....unresolved issues (yours) will follow you unless you process them and be done with them. who better to work thru than your friend, partner, wife, lover?
get some seed and water and go to it !
blessed be
My heart goes out to you, your wife and your son.
I was married for 14 years. Shortly after we tenth anniversary, I discovered my husband had been having an affair. I tried for the next few years, to get over the betrayal, counselling, self help books, you name it I tried it. Ultimately I realized it was only me putting the effort into salvaging the remnants of our life together and I asked for a divorce. In retrospect, I think he was relieved.
My children were 11 and 8 at the time, and thankfully, with the resiliance that is so very specific to children, seven years later they are remarkably "normal". They had a broken home when their father and I were together, we weren't able to fix the "brokeness" together, but amazingly enough, have managed to provide them with happy separate homes. Somewhere I heard the line "children would rather be from a broken home, than live in one" Might have been Dr. Phil :)
All that being said I think that your marriage is something you still care very much about, or you probably wouldn't have spent so much time analyzing it. You would have reached out and had an affair by now.
Kudos to you for not taking that route, it can leave long lasting effects on an individuals personal integrity and the self worth of their partner. I know that one from experience! Most days I know the choice to cheat was on him, but I have had moments where I wondered "what if I had...." or "maybe if I was...."
I wish you the very best as you sort all of this out.
What you describe sounds alot like my relationship. Married for 20 years this year. The last 18 months have been different though. We now have passion that really was never there. We now talk openly about our deepest feelings, without taking offence over them. We are able to speak about what we would like out of the relationship without feeling critisized. a couple of years ago it was different.I never doubted that he loved me, but there was a lack of communications, emotion and passion. I was feeling lonley and unfulfilled. He'd just brush it off whenever i tried to discuss it. Sadly i copped out and ended up having an affair. Not for love but for passion. To have some one tell me i was intelligent, funny and beautiful. I felt so needed and appreciated. But I longed to recieve thes same things from my husband. But he just couldnt understand hpw important it was for me to have this passion and interaction. It came to a point where i felt i needed to tell him what had happened. We greived over the potentioal loss of our marraige and after an initial period of anger, he started taking. I think he was so shook up by the thought of us splitting up that he finally realized how much he needed and wanted me. He finally started opening up to me and talking honestly. Finally the man i loved for all these years, began to to let me inside. I finally felt like I really knew him.
We have worked through it, he takes half the responsibility for my fling. which makes me feel rally guilty. Im still dealing with the guilt. But out relationship is so fabulous now. Im just sorry it took such an act of betrayal to get him to finally open up his heart to me.
I wish you luck. I hope you can talk to your wife and that she in turn feels she can be frank with you. Open honest communication with great respect is the key.
All the best to you. Im signing this annonymous because i am a big chicken!!!!
I have read some very good advice in the preceeding comments. You have forgotten one other aspect of marriage. It is first and foremost a unit of economic survival. Aside from the disruption and emotional damage this does to both of you and your children there is the financial cost. Eighteen years is a lot of investment -- do you really want to throw it away because of a loss of passion. Passion can be rekindled, sewing a blanket that has been split is very hard.
Maybe this was the first time you put the thought down in words. Follow some of the good advice above and think very long and hard at actually leaving all you have.
Thomai said "children who have two parents who stayed together thru the ups n downs, the platues- who honored their committment to the family are so much better off in so many ways than the children of divorced parents." is this TRUE?
MY children are stronger, more independent, more outspoken, more clear headed than I ever was. I am so incredibly proud of the way they can stand up for themselves in a way I never could. And it is a direct result of the divorce that made them so damned strong. On the other hand maybe if we had stayed married they would be superteens!
Married 22 years dec 30th 05 no passion on wife side no card on wife side she is seeing a head doctor for her low self est.Very lonely for a long time don't want to leave have two kids can't stand the thouth of not being with them.Have told her how i felt doesn't seem to care . Still love her but is very difficult too. How long do you wait before the end? I guess talk to a head doctor myself and learn to cope. good luck.
Just this morning I heard that those married can grow apart if they don't have common bonds. But that it is not the common bonds that one should pay attention to, it is accepting and enjoying the differences.
I divorced from what I considered a loveless 16 year marriage and it hurt my boys. I often suggest to others to find a way to stay. If you are in recovery, has she found Alanon?
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