Fear and Loathing in the Mind of Me

Seasons Greetings

2005-12-02T12:35:00.000-05:00

Pilferred this last year:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for anenvironmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, genderneutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyabletraditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of yourchoice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all and a fiscallysuccessful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onsetof the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for thecalendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped makeAmerica great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other countryor is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to therace, creed, color, age, physical disability, religious faith, choice of computer platform,or sexual preference of the wishee.Legal Disclaimer: By accepting this agreement, you are accepting these terms.This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with noalteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actuallyimplement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited bylaw, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of goodtidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuanceof a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Sincerely,(Name withheld for legal, social and cultural considerations.)

Hey Son, Let's Chat

2005-11-16T13:59:00.000-05:00

It was Friday evening and my 10 year old son asks if he can play on the computer.

Me: What are you going to do?
Son: I’m going to play on (favorite kid oriented game site).
Me: OK, for a little while.

To date I have been monitoring my son’s activity on the web including e-mail. There had not been any problems. I feel comfortable with the site he visits most. I had to fill out a paper form and actually fax it in for him to even get an account. The content is all age appropriate.

After my son was on for a little while, I stepped in to check on him. I see him change screens. OK, here we go. I did not want to over-react. We have always told him that he will not get in trouble for internet activities as we did not him to be secretive about them. This also had the potential to be one of those life experience learning opportunities. I didn’t want to miss the chance. Our conversation went like this:

Me: Hey bud, what you doing?
Son: Just playing on (favorite site)
Me: Oh yea? What is it you are doing?
Son: Mostly games.
Me: And how is it going?
Son: Good.

I didn’t expect maximum verbosity from him. He really gets sucked into video games. I let him go for about 15 minutes. I came back over to him and once again, a page change. I could copy and past the conversation from above and that would tell the story. I told him to wrap it up for the evening. He was off in a couple of minutes. It was relatively late on Friday and we were both tired from the week. I didn’t say any thing else about it.

In the morning, I was up well before him. I signed onto the computer under his user name and opened a browser. I went to the history file and all then entries were from the web site he told me. I started to click through them. Many of the entries were from the site’s “bulletin board”. The bulletin board is essentially a two way chat. Since it is a kid’s site with efforts taken to protect them, the conversations are captured and saved the site. I was able to click on the history addresses and review the conversation. Three things caught my eye.

The first was an attempt to get his username and password for his account. While it was lame by adult standards, I’m sure it was sophisticated enough to fool a kid. A user basically asked my son to take care of some things on their site the next day for them. He would be paid 1000 points for helping out. He was provided a username and password but instructed not to try it tonight or the user would see that someone was trying to hack in and would have to change the account. Just wait until tomorrow to sign in and help. Oh, and by the way, let me have your password as kind of a security deposit. You know, if I am going to trust you, you should trust me.

I did not find a reply where son gave up his password. I could guess that the scammer wanted to clear out my son’s points, or more likely, some perv wanted a username and password to do his work with under an alias.

The second exchange I noticed was a conversation that went something like this: “So you are TENnis. Read the capitals. I don’t want to type numbers because the moderators look for people exchanging personal information” . From this, I gathered the site had some automated monitoring software running with an algorithm that would bring suspect exchanges to the attention of a human. Bottom line, someone was scamming my son’s age and personal info from him.

The third thing I noticed, (the one I found most amusing) was my son’s friends list. One of his good friends from school was listed and his age was given as 20. He is in 5th grade.

I closed the browser and logged off.

After my son woke up and had a little time to get his brain going, I sat down next to him and started a conversation that went something like this:

Me: So, what specifically were you doing on (favorite site) last night?
Son: Mostly games.
Me: Anything else?
Son: I visited some of the stores where you can buy things with the points you earn.
Me: Anything else?

At this point you can see the little puffs of smoke coming out of his ears as his brain starts to kick into high gear.

Son: Well, there a message boards.
Me: Did you communicate with others?
Son: A little.
Me: About what?
Son: Games and stuff.
Me: Did anyone try and get your password or anything like that?
Son: No.
Me: Now son, remember before you answer my next question that you don’t get in trouble for what you do on the internet but you do get in trouble for lying. What about the user that wanted you to sign on and take care of their business today and wanted your password?
Son: Uh …….Uh……..Uh…….How do you know about that?
Me: Dads know a lot of things. Son, I work with computers all day. I have about 10 different ways to tell.

Now I’m exaggerating to make my point and keep him guessing. I can see in his face he is thinking “How did he do that? Got to figure it out. Got to find a way to beat it. I wonder how much trouble I’m in. Got to figure it out. Got to find a way to beat it. “

Me: What about the person who hid your age with capital letters in the word TENnis?

No answer from him, just more smoke from his ears.

I went on to explain the scams and dangers of life in cyber space. At first, he thought I was over reacting. Once we tried to log on with the username and password the scammer gave him, and it did not work, he started to listen to me. I told about all the phishing scams I have gotten in e-mail. I told him about sexual predators on-line. I think he listened and learned.

I told my son that I will be monitoring all his activities. I also told him that if I found any of the evidence that he is trying cover his cyber steps, he would loose access to the computer. By letting him know that he is being monitored, I do not feel that I am spying. It is just part of the license agreement. He checked the “I Accept” box.

It was a good learning experience for both of us.

Wax On, Wax Off

2005-11-12T20:25:00.000-05:00

It’s Saturday and I took my son to his karate lesson in the early afternoon. Usually, we don’t go on Saturdays but a busy week kept us from getting in his required two lessons during the week. I was sitting in the parent viewing area that overlooks the mats. There are three rows of chairs, about 12 to a row. As the previous class left and my son’s class started, I noticed something very peculiar. There were about 30 kids in the class. In the viewing seats, one other parent and myself.

When my son was a white or a yellow belt and about 6 or 7 years old the parents were all hanging out. But now, just two of us. I guess I should have been clued into what would eventually happen when the parents of the white or yellow belts talked on cell phones or relentlessly gossiped and gabbed with each other rather than watching their kids learn and perform their karate.

When the kids were younger, they put their hearts and soul into their moves. Now that they are older and more advanced in their karate, the pour more of their hearts and souls into it. The parents missed it then and they are missing it now. One day, the parents will wake up, their sons and daughters will off to collage with their black belts. I wonder if they will miss them then or will they just continue with their gab.

I feel very lucky that I observed this today. To be honest, I went to karate with my novel in tow. I’m glad I put it down and took the time to see my son grow, learn, live in the innocence of an all too short child hood.

Imprisoned

2005-11-09T20:49:00.000-05:00

I was driving into Philadelphia the other day and was crossing the Delaware river on one of the major bridges. Looking off the right of the bridge, I could see the Camden county jail. The jail sits behind two fences with a buffer zone in between. An abundance of razor wire was there to discourage travel through the buffer zone. Standing outside the fence were several women. They weren’t together. A couple had pre-school age children with them. They were there to communicate to with their men in the prison. I’ve seen them do this before. It seems that they have some primitive sign language to communicate the basics. Perhaps they just wanted their men to see the children, but I don’t think so. Maybe they just needed to make contact to arrange for some crack. I don’t know. Maybe though, they just want to see their men.

I’m sitting here thinking about how this makes me feel. Searching the thoughts I want to key in. I’ve started this next sentence many time and deleted it. Do I want to say that I resent the fact that even prisoners are appreciated? I think that is where I was going with this as I started the subject, but I’m not sure it sounds right. I’m not sure I want to resent something like that. I think I’m going to let that resentment go.

What do I Do?

2005-11-07T19:26:00.000-05:00

I’ve been married a little more than 18 years. When I first met my wife, I was totally enamored with her. She was, actually still is, smart, capable, and attractive. We share many interests: bicycling, camping, playing scrabble, skiing, hiking, boating…………… We don’t argue much and I can count the times we yelled at each other over the years on my fingers. We don’t fight about money because we both spend responsibly. I cook and vacuum, she cleans the gutters and mows the lawn. I think my son has one of the best mothers anyone ever had. She has taught me how to be a loving and patient father. My son has problems with social skills and she tirelessly works with him, researches techniques, and supports him. Our house has an eclectic collection of contemporary furnishings that few people would bring together and is a style that works for both of us. Our vacations are unique, remote, and adventuresome. We love to fish and have both skydived and bungee jumped out of a hot air balloon. My wife manages the household budget and I don’t have to concern myself with the day-to-day operations. She volunteered to take this on when we decided drop down from a two-income family so my son would have someone to see him off to school and be there when he gets home.

I want a divorce.

My wife and I do not show each other any affection. Over the last 5 or 6 years, our well oiled machine has been loveless. We don’t touch, we don’t spend time by ourselves talking, we don’t have sex. In 2004, we had sex 4 times. So far in 2005, 5 times. When we do, it is mechanical, short and uninspired. Only one of those 9 times has been initiated by her.

How can a couple that shares so much in common and doesn’t argue about parenting, money, day to day logistics, etc. let their relationship deteriorate to this point? I don’t know.

I am a very analytical person. I tried to change things to see what would make a difference. I tried flowers, coffee in bed in the morning, reaching out with a kiss. I tried preparing gourmet meals, I tried going on a cooking strike. I tried all I could think of and now I no longer think that this can be saved. I no longer think I want to save this. When certain annual milestones happen like vacation, birthdays, or holidays, I think back to the same events over the past 5 years and realize that nothing is changing. I want to move on. I need to move on. I can’t bring myself to move on because I feel like I would be robbing my son of a family. Remember, my wife and co-exist with out fighting. While my son may not see an abundance of affection, he does not see arguing.

I worry about my 10-year-old son reacting to a divorce by striking out, falling into the substance abuse trap, and being heart broken. I haven’t cheated on my wife but I am lonely and would if the opportunity presented itself. I haven’t gone looking for it.

I’m bitter and I don’t think this marriage can be salvaged. I harbor much resentment for my wife. I want out. I don’t want to destroy my son’s family. What do I do?

The Road to Destiny

2005-10-24T15:34:00.000-04:00

I am a recovering alcoholic and regularly attend AA meetings. Meetings often start with a speaker, either from the local group or visiting from somewhere nearby, telling his or her story. The speaker usually starts off telling about the early years of their drinking. After the preliminaries, which are often surprisingly alike, the speaker tells of their bottom. The bottom is the sequence of events or the state of mind that made the individual eventually seek help. This part of the story is often very different from speaker to speaker. For some, the bottom may be that the spouse leaves the room and the dog snarls. For others, a loss of spouse, a loss off home, a loss of driver’s license, or a loss of job (notice the common word in all these) is their bottom. Still others, may have found their way to the road of recovery through the courts and penal system; either to avoid jail or to pass the time while in jail. Whatever the case, the bottom has to be reached before an alcoholic surrenders to the disease.

I listen to these stories of individuals who no longer drink (some of them for decades). They are living productive and happy lives. But I think about some of the bottoms. The jail time, the accidents and injuries, the broken families, the broken spirits and I realize how lucky I was that my bottom was not that low. I was a weekend warrior whose drinking was getting progressively worse and had the potential to have serious health effects if I kept it up. The American Medical Association defines alcoholism as chronic, progressive, and fatal. Many of us, myself included, drank somewhat successfully for years until the progressive nature of the disease kicked in. At the end of my drinking, I had a few episodes where I blacked out and could not remember all that I did and said. Someone would mention something that would trigger a memory and I would remember something I wished I did not. Despite this, I had never had a DUI, been arrested, lost a job, lost a spouse, did something that my son will remember as something unforgivable. Why was I spared this?

One of my favorite books was John Irving’s A PRAYER FOR OWEN MEANEY. Some of you may have seen the movie adaptation SIMON BIRCH. In the book, the main character has a destiny, a pre-determined fate. The entire book is builds up to the end when the character’s destiny is fulfilled. I often think of this story when I try to understand why I was spared a bottom lower than the one I had. Was I spared the misery that so many others experienced because I have a destiny to fulfill in my near future? Does my son perhaps have a destiny to fulfill that I need to help him reach? Only time will tell.

There is a saying used in the AA rooms: “But for the Grace of God, there goes I.” I am truly grateful that I had the opportunity to turn my life around with much less destruction than some of my friends. I do not regret my past as is part of me. I am on the road to my own destiny.

Are Your Talking to Me?

2005-10-19T19:13:00.000-04:00

Were you talking to me?

I remember watching the Charlie Brown and Peanuts holiday specials when I was a kid. Whenever an adult spoke to the kids, it sounded like wawa wawa wawa. It is interesting that as I get older, some people began to sound more and more like the adults in these cartoons. Wawa Wawa Wawa………….

There seem to be people in aspects of life, work, social, family, community that think they have a lot more to say than they really do. After a while, you just know who is going to say Wawa wawa wawa.

When I first met my father-in-law about 20 years ago, I had the distinct impression that when his wife spoke to him, that is what he heard. Some years later his hearing began to fail and he got hearing aids. I think that when he first started to use them, the wawa wawa wawa faded into a clarity that he did not like. I would see him adjusting the volume on his hearing aids a little too often. One day I asked “Turning up the volume”. He smiled and said “no”. I realized that hearing aids with their volume turned down were in fact earplugs.

As the years drifted by he picked up another habit I noticed when my mother in law spoke. He would tweak the volume up until the feedback would come roaring out across the room. It would make my skin crawl and I was 10 feet away. Although he never admitted it (and I did ask) I believe he made a conscience decision to turn down his remaining natural hearing.

My father in law has entered the ranks of the octogenarians. His hearing has faded, he walks a little slower, and his mind reminisces about his youth. He’ll tell stories that take patience to listen to and a smile to let him know you are listening and are interested. When he is done, he retreats into his own world, takes a nap, and doesn’t even hear the wawa wawa wawa from my mother in law. It is comforting to know that he can fade away in peace.

Let the Games Begin

2005-10-17T22:24:00.000-04:00

I’ve worked with a women for the past 5 years. She was in my group when I first started with the company and had only been working for the company about 3 months when I got there. My first impressions of her were favorable. She seemed smart, professional, tall, personable, and she smelled pretty good also. The two of us worked together as the only representatives of our company at a customer’s site. Since it was just the two of us among many customers, it was natural for me to want to make both of us look good in the eyes of the customer. We had different but complimentary technical skills that we brought to the table.

Just several weeks into the job, we were in a meeting and I saw her say something to the customer that sounded very technical. She presented it in a somewhat condescending manner as if saying “trust me on this, you certainly aren’t capable of comprehending the details”.

I remember Ronald Reagan’s quote about the Soviets. Trust but verify. I looked up what she said on the internet (you know it’s good for more that porn and spam). She was bull shitting them. At that point, I made it a quest to learn her skill set just so I could tell what she really knew. It turns out she had a rather shallow knowledge but knew enough of the buzzwords to get by. This really was not a problem since the customer like her and she was billable. It was a win-win.

As the years went on, I watched her get a divorce, loose 25 pounds, and become what I originally would have called a flirt. Then one day I was reading the blog 100 Reasons I Hate My Husband. There was a link to page that had definitions of personality disorders. Two of them struck me. Narcissism and histrionics.

The definition of Narcissism is:

An excessive preoccupation with one’s own personal importance, or with achieving one’s own chosen goals rather than bonding with others, or with associating only with others whom one chooses. Sometimes psychologists associate narcissism with psychopathology and lack of conscience, but this need not be the case. But there may be lack of emotional empathy or bonding with others.

The definition of Histrionics is:

The essential feature of the histrionic personality disorder is a pervasive and excessive pattern of emotionality and attention-seeking behavior. These individuals are lively, dramatic, enthusiastic, and flirtatious. They may be inappropriately sexually provocative, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and be easily influenced by others.

My co-worker is some combination of these.
Here is the point of this post. Today, a new employee started. She is not directly in our group but will be working with same people we do. The new employee is about 5 years younger, 2 inches taller, 10 pounds lighter, and a more advanced technical degree. The lead customer took the new employee around and introduced her to all. This is something he has never done. I believe the ground work has been set for major conflict between these two women. Not both ways, just by the original. I’m not sure everyone will even get it at first.

Opportunities like this rarely present themselves and I’m thankful for this one. Work will definitely be more interesting during the next few months.

My role in this will that of the National Geographic camera man watching the interactions of these two members of the same species. I will wait patiently, watch with the telephoto lens, and report back my findings. Stay tuned and let the games begin.

Small World With Glass Houses

2005-10-16T21:42:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was standing outside an AA meeting waiting for it to begin. The weather was nice and there were quite a few people outside socializing. I had a conversation with someone I knew casually that went something like this.

Bob: So where do you live?
Me: I live over in the XYZ section of town
Bob: Is that over by ABC golf course?
Me: Yea, I’m right around the corner.
Bob: My girlfriend lives over there.
Me: Really? I live the Forest Development
Bob: Her too.

Just so you know, my curiosity just peeked. My neighborhood is mostly families and I know of few single people. The conversation goes on.

Me: What’s her name?
Bob: Kathy, Kathy Smith.

Well, Kathy Smith is my next-door neighbor. Bob told me that he met her while she was working at the local drug store and he was filling a Viagra prescription. I can just imagine how that conversation went. “What are you going to be doing with these Bob?”

Kathy is married and has two kids, one about 10 and the other about 13. They have lived next door for about 14 years. We’ve been good neighbors to each other; lending things, helping out clearing snow, etc. We never really socialized much as we have very little in common. For example, I love the outdoors and the woods that run behind us, they don’t go near the woods because there are bugs. They would never think to take a walk around the block, I would rather ride my bike that drive the car, etc., etc., etc.

Well it turns out that Kathy and hubby are planning a divorce and this is how I found out. I’ve heard some screaming on occasion but they have always been loud, even in the good times. They remind of the Saturday Night Live sketches featuring the loud family. Now that I have HBA (Heightened Bob Awareness), I noticed him one day parked down the street waiting for hubby and the kids to leave.

This whole sequence of events had a profound impact on me. I started to think about Bob doing clinical studies on Viagra effectiveness right there while hubby is out working. I’m not taking sides in the relationship as don’t really know them nor for that matter and I very good with my own relationships. I am not judging the affair per se, but there is something basically wrong with Kathy inviting him in with hubby at work.

The real thing that bothers me about this is that there is a woman who is a friend that I’ve thought about having an affair with. Never acted on it but strongly considered it. We have had a few of the chemical moments. Brief but clear, mutual interest. It just did not fit into either of our lives, but it may one day, soon.
So here I am, judging Bob and Kathy (mostly Kathy) and I want to do the same. What bothers me more? What she is doing to hubby and her kids? That I might do the same thing to wife and child?

The Journey Begins

2005-10-15T21:18:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the first entry of my first blog. I am a 47 year old man living in suburb of Philadelphia in New Jersey. I’ve lived here for about 16 years after living in several different places across the country. I grew up in Philadelphia so it was like coming home. I’ve been married for 18 years and doubt that I’ll make 20. I’m sure I’ll have more on this in future postings. I have one son who is about 10. He is a great, intelligent, kind, and gentle kid.

My first exposure to the blogosphere was about one year ago when a friend e-mailed me telling me he started a blog. It had a world events/political theme. While I found it interesting and found myself impressed with my friend’s consistency and verbosity, the subject matter was not enough to motivate me start my own. One day when my friend was unable to post an original, he provided a link to Waiterrant suggesting it as an entertaining site. I enjoyed the author’s observations of life through a comical, philosophical set of eyes. From his comment section I started clicking on the links of those that left comments. I ran in postings that varied from interesting to mundane, from sad to humorous, from angry to festive, from religious to sacrilegious, from prudish to sultry. I was hooked. Some where along the line and I must admit I don’t remember how, I stumbled on the site An Audience of One. Here was a prolific author with a variety of topics and an enjoyable style. On the weekend, the author gave a one line summary of all the blogs he visited and their links. I found this to be an excellent gateway into this world. This was the final bit of inspiration I needed to get started. Thanks Brian, I hope I can keep this up.

I’ve decided not to tell any of my friends or family about this blog. I am doing this with the objective of cultivating a new on-line persona and set of friends and advisors. It will also allow me be brutally honest about my thoughts, hopes, aspirations and the sometimes somewhat warped view of the world. I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment or e-mail me.

Just a note about the title of the blog: It is inspired by the classic American novel by Hunter S. Thompson titled FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS. It is a crazy story about a drug and alcohol induced journey into a place that was much more common back in the 70s then it is now. While I look back on those times with fond memories (both from the book and from my own life) the time has past for me when I can handle such extremes. As a matter of fact, I gave up drinking and drugging 100%. I hope I live long enough as a result that one day I may even have to give up dairy. J This journey into sobriety is likely to be a subject of some future posts. It has been and still is a great trip for me.

Thanks for reading and stop back into the mind of me.